Memoir of ‘Trusting the Process’

Last November I left my job in TV Production. 

There were many reasons that influenced that decision, but among the top were: 

• My lifelong dream is to be a presenter and I felt it would be remiss to live my whole life without giving it a ‘proper’ go.

• My job was one of those dream jobs that people would kill for, but I just wasn’t one of them and I felt selfish taking up space in an already limited capacity environment. 

I had initially pivoted into TV production from events and I truly thought that when I got my first role as a Production Secretary that was going to be my big break. Since luck plays a tremendous part in becoming a presenter in today’s day and age, I thought that being in the same room as people who were responsible for making TV, I was [surely] increasing my luck. I was wrong. Perhaps I wasn’t talented enough and perhaps someone who reeked of star quality could have carved a path into presenting via this route. But, in my experience, I was wrong. 

The reality is, this preconception of mine was both ignorant and arrogant. Ignorant; because prior to entering the industry I wasn’t aware that TV was not immune to the global pinching happening industry and sector wide, and in the post-covid era fewer TV shows are being made. This means that if a show is getting commissioned and needs talent attached to it, and by talent I mean a presenter in this context, the talent needs to have proven viewership independently. The assumption here is that existing fans of the proposed presenter will allow for the new show to have a wider reach/larger audience. Arrogant; because even if you are under the nose of the most powerful person in the world, assuming that anyone has the bandwidth in their stressful and chaotic lives to consider you and your trajectory is naive and self-absorbed, especially if you are not one to self-promote. So, after spending just under three years in the industry and realising that it was not going to be my golden ticket, I quit. 

I didn’t have any set-in-stone plans for my fun-employment but I knew that it had to involve launching my content creation journey. Loosely, I imagined that I would have three or so months off and then I would start work in either a bar or cafe. 380 days later I have 240 followers and I’m unemployed. 

Whilst I have not come flying out of the gate on the presenting front and thanks to the current job market I am hanging by a thread, hysterically, I have not once regretted my decision.

I assure you, that I am not saying this out of pride or ego. I am well adjusted enough to be able to acknowledge that spending the entirety of my 27th year around the sun jobless and receiving an allowance from my parents was absolutely not what I pictured when I handed in my notice. It is dire, dire, times and I am sitting in silence at the end of each day.

However, I have spent this past year cultivating qualities that have forever changed my soul for the better. I feel rested (obviously), regulated, healed and happy (for the most part). Even though I am deeply ashamed of the metrics with which I am approaching my 28th birthday, I spend 95% of the time remembering how lucky I am. It is for this reason that I will never ever regret this tempestuous year.

Hindsight is 20/20. So, whilst the chips are still down, I want to document how I am feeling now before I have the benefit of stability to inform my reflections.  

1. The relationship you have with yourself colours every single line in the book of your life. 

You have to be your biggest fan. Yet, ensure that this self-respect is not conceited rather concomitant because you are the kind of person who is the first to hold yourself accountable; to apologise; to laugh at yourself; to reach out; to forgive; to consider someone else’s opinion; to help others with things you would do yourself; to be teachable; to confront, and so on. When you know that you mean no harm, the self-esteem you nurture will be your armour in the most tumultuous of times, and even when life gets tough, you will know that you will be okay. 

2. It is such a privilege to have the luxury of failing. 

It is not lost on me for one second how fortunate I am to have been able to throw caution to the wind and wantonly quit my job. Although, I never dreamed of having to be financially reliant on my parents at this age and I honestly believed I would be employed again long before I would need to, subconsciously I knew that even if everything went tits up, I am never going to be homeless or to starve. When you have a floor, you don’t have a ceiling. The topic of ‘nepo babies’ dominates discourse but I think that privilege starts much lower in the echelons than that. If you have a plan b embodied by parents, relatives, friends etc. never allow yourself to forget how lucky you are.

3. Be someone who wants to want to help.

4. Opening yourself up to being perceived and not getting instant results is humiliating. 

Doesn’t mean you should stop doing it!

5. Reminder that I want to be successful and not famous.

Seeking to build community and not virality will inevitably take longer to establish. I want to be a presenter, not a celebrity and the opportunities will align accordingly.

6.  If you can only be happy and regulated when everything is going right, you’re not happy and regulated.

View tough times as the opportunity to get to know yourself better. Who are you when you have £20 to your name? Who are you in the face of loss? Who are you when no one is looking? Don’t wait till you get everything you want to be the best version of yourself. 

7. Being judgemental of judgemental people is a paradox.

8. No mud, no lotus.

9. There is so much excitement in anticipation.

10. The lesson will repeat until you learn it. 

If it’s true that life is predetermined, seek to understand why things are happening to you as opposed to how long they will last.

11. People on social media are so nice. 

We talk a lot about trolls and the hate people spread via social media and not enough about how much love there is. There is so much kindness in commenting positively on a celeb’s post knowing that they likely won’t see it and so much kindness in taking the time to encourage an up-and-coming creator with a comment. It’s not cringey to be a fan! As someone who never engages beyond a like, this is a lesson I am learning way too late in the game but one I am determined to remedy asap.